I wonder if I imagine feelings. I wonder if I look for something that wasn’t there to begin with.

But then there is all the evidence. Why would I spend so much time and energy on something if there was nothing there?

Why would getting ignored bug me so much if I didn’t care?

Did I keep my distance? No. There was never any distance, and I didn’t keep it.

But is it real? It has been so long. It feels like an eternity. I don’t remember enough. I have no clue.

I am afraid of the feelings, of what they might mean.

Is it all just an idea to explain why I am feeling like this, or am I feeling like this because of… well the feelings I try to deny I have?

This freaking thing is tearing me apart! I keep lying to myself because I’ve decided what is right.

Or maybe there just wasn’t time enough to say goodbye.

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